‘Changing Jobs? It’s emotional‘, says Jennifer Ryan, Segment Editor at LinkedIn. I settled down to read her posting, which collates what a number of people have said about the challenge of leaving a job you’ve held for a very long time. A lot of their comments made sense.
Retirees, This is Not About You
But then, just when I was thinking, ‘this is helpful’, Ryan threw a curveball:-
It’s one thing to retire after a decades-long career, relishing a chapter successfully concluded, say authors Dorie Clark and Natalie Nixon, PhD. However, leaving a job you’ve held for years in order to start your own venture or go to another company is “a different emotional and practical experience altogether”.
However, I AM retiring. And rather than starting my own venture, I am just continuing part-time with the interesting research element of my job, that has hitherto been a partial secondment
Don’t Look Back
What I must do, I’ve decided, is STOP LOOKING BACK. Remember the Biblical story of Lot’s wife? She turned to look over her shoulder and turned to a pillar of salt.
Relishing a Chapter Successfully Concluded?
So, I need to make a concerted effort to stop kicking myself for opportunities I didn’t get, things I didn’t achieve, and disappointments I could do nothing about.
After all, I got a PhD whilst working full-time. I raised a family, ditto. I was a Fellow of CILIP, my professional association, until I decided to let the fellowship go, now that I’m ceasing to be a librarian. I’ve been an honorary Fellow at the University of St Andrews, and I’ve been elected an honorary Fellow of IAML (UK & Ireland) – my other professional association. And my second monograph is at the publisher’s.
Who cares if I’ve catalogued so many jazz CDs that my brain-cells have practically ossified? (They haven’t, or I wouldn’t be capable of writing books etc.) In five and a half weeks, it won’t matter how many of the things are still waiting to be catalogued, because I won’t be cataloguing them.
Maybe I should start repeating this mantra:-
Don’t Look Back (Boston)
(I was 20 when this song was written. And I only stumbled across it tonight!)
Coincidentally, a Twitter contact shared the perfect picture – a chained book at a church in Broughton, Bucks. When I think of myself being ‘unshackled from the shelves’, this is precisely the mental picture that comes into my mind! Irreverently, I’m ashamed to admit that the mental picture has a soundtrack: it’s accompanied by a line from a hymn, ‘And can it be?’ In my own defence, hymns have been a large part of my life, and I shall in all probability write a few more myself in retirement, so it’s hardly surprising that this line pops into my head!
My chains fell off, my heart was free …
Making Memories
Friday’s concert programme at RCS
The past week saw me attending two lunchtime concerts – the Strings Department on Monday, and a chamber music concert (two substantial pieces by Dohnanyi and Brahms) on Friday. I wasn’t familiar with the Dohnanyi, but it was a lovely discovery.
Another day, I had tea and a cake at Waterstones – yes, I did buy a book. No surprise there.
Improving Vision
It wasn’t all fun and merriment this week: I had a check-up at the eye department on Thursday. ‘Slow progress’ is certainly still progress, so I’m trying to feel positive about this qualified good news. But ‘fantastic, wonderful progress’ would have been more uplifting … I’m just glad the other eye more than compensates.
Vision for the Future: BIPOC composers
And on Friday, I got back to my efforts in taking steps to increase our coverage of music by historically under-represented composers. More about that in a later posting.
Chained book photo courtesy of Steve, @portaspeciosa, with thanks
Do you remember the old family memory game, ‘I packed my bag, and in it I put ….’ Each successive person has to remember the list, and add something else.
Today, I both literally and metaphorically packed my bag. At the end of the working day, I took home my thick lever-arch file containing Stationers’ Hall research notes. It used to live in the research lab until it ceased to be a working space for staff researchers. Then it had an honoured shelf behind my desk in the library. Then my desk moved to another office, I got a smaller desk in the new office, and lost all but one of my shelves. It’s time for my research notes to go home, one file at a time. Research is something that often lends itself to working from home, though I don’t know where I’ll put the extra files!
Mondays at One: Strings
Since this is a memory game – I also attended a lunchtime concert of the Strings Department, to give myself some more enjoyable memories of my final weeks as a librarian. I heard a fabulous piece by Schnittke for violin and accordion (Suite in the Old Style, op.80); Beethoven’s Piano Trio, op.70 no.2 and Suk’s Piano Trio, op.2. Unfortunately, I had to get back to work after my lunchbreak, so I missed Bartok, more Suk and – sadly – Mancini’s Pink Panther. Ah, well. I did gather some pleasant memories, and I hope I get to hear that Schnittke again in that setting one day. It really was lovely! The original violin and piano piece is very charming, but it was even nicer with accordion instead of piano.
Post Script.
Today’s treat was lunch and a book at Waterstone’s. Research files have all gone home. Bookshelves empty and desk surface clear. (Should I go now?!)
It’s hard to believe now, just how much more women composers were discriminated against in the past. Today, they’re still struggling for equal recognition, but not as much as when Boosey said he would only publish ‘little songs’ by a woman. It’s not as though there’s a feminine style of composition. We don’t arrange our crotchets and quavers, chords and rhythms in a uniquely feminine way.
I concede that a composer might say their piece was inspired by some aspect of being a woman. Life experiences can inspire any composer. Yet, there are as many experiences as there are people on earth. I don’t think a woman’s music is inherently distinctive, any more than her trumpet playing or any other art-form would be.
Why must we stereotype people? On the face of it, I’m a very conventional, married librarian and mother of three. I look boringly conventional, I freely admit it. Yet I am also the breadwinner, and did a PhD at the second attempt, working full-time throughout. I’ve carved a parallel career as a scholar. Is that conventional? Does it fit the stereotype of a boringly conventional information worker?
Dancing to my own tune
And I’m about to retire from librarianship – but not from research. I’m not going to fit any stereotype of a pensioner, either. (Daytime TV and bingo sessions have absolutely no appeal for me – I might explode if anyone tries to categorise me into those particular boxes!) I have a second monograph and two book chapters to see published before or as I move on with my research plans.
The government moved the goalposts – when I started work, I imagined I’d have retired by now. Instead, I’ve worked an extra five years, with one more to go. I shall hit 66 in summer 2024. I don’t want to retire entirely, but I must confess I’m utterly bored with cataloguing music! (Except when it turns out to be a weird little thing in a donation, perhaps shining a light on music education in earlier times, or repertoire changes, or the organisation behind its publication – or making me wonder about the original owner and how they used it … but then, that’s my researcher mentality kicking in, isn’t it?!)
Status Quo: Stability and Stagnation
Everyone knows I’m somewhat tired of being a librarian. Everyone knows that my heart has always been in research. Librarianship seemed a good idea when I embarked upon it, and it enabled me to continue working in music, which has always been my driving force. But the downside of stability – and I’d be the first to say that it has been welcome for me as a working mother – has been the feeling of stagnation. No challenges, no career advancement, no extra responsibility. Climbing the ladder? There was no ladder to climb, not even a wee kickstep! (I did the qualification, Chartership, Fellowship, Revalidation stuff. I even did a PhD and a PG Teaching Cert, but I never ascended a single rung of the ladder.)
In my research existence, I get a thrill out of writing an article or delivering a paper, of making a new discovery or sorting a whole load of facts into order so that they tell a story. I love putting words on a page, carefully rearranging them until they say exactly what I want them to say. I’m good at it. But as a librarian, I cannot say I’m thrilled to realise that I’ve now catalogued 1700 of a consignment of jazz CDs, mostly in the same half-dozen or so series of digital remasters. (I’d like to think they’ll get used, but even Canute had to realise that he couldn’t keep back the tide. CDs are old technology.)
The Paranoia of Age
But what really puzzles me is this: when it comes to the closing years of our careers, is it other people who perceive us as old? Is age something that other people observe in us? Do people regard us as old and outdated because they know we’re close to retirement age?
Or do we bring these perceptions upon ourselves because of our own attitudes to our ageing? Does my own perception of myself affect the way people perceive me? Do I inadvertently give the impression that I’m less capable? Do I merely fear that folk see me as old and outdated because Iknow I’m approaching retirement age? A fear in my own mind rather than a belief in theirs?
How many people of my age ask themselves questions like these, I wonder?
Am I seen as heading downhill to retirement? Increasingly irrelevant? Worthy only to be sidelined, like the wonky shopping-trolley that’s only useful if there’s nothing else available?
Is my knowledge considered out-of-date, or is it paranoia on my part, afraid that I might be considered out of date, no longer the first port-of-call for a reliable answer?
When I queue up for a coffee, I imagine that people around me, in their teens and early twenties, must see me as “old” like their own grandparents. And I shudder, because I probably look hopelessly old-fashioned and fuddy-duddy. But is this my perception, or theirs? Maybe they don’t see me at all. Post-menopausal women are very conscious that in some people’s eyes, they’re simply past their sell-by date. I could spend a fortune colouring my hair, and try to dress more fashionably, but I’d still have the figure of a sedentary sexagenarian who doesn’t take much exercise and enjoys the odd bar of chocolate! (And have you noticed, every haircut leaves your hair seeming a little bit more grey than it was before?)
Similarly, I worry whether my hearing loss (and I’m only hard of hearing, not deaf) causes a problem to other people? Does it make me unapproachable and difficult to deal with? I’m fearful of that. Is it annoying to tell me things, because I might mis-hear and have to ask for them to be repeated? Or do I just not hear, meaning that I sometimes miss information through no fault but my own inadequate ears? Friends, if you thought the menopause was frightening, then believe me impending old age is even more so. I don’t want to be considered a liability, merely a passenger. And I know that I’m not one. But I torment myself with thoughts that I won’t really be missed, that my contribution is less vital than it used to be.
Gazing into the Future
Crystal Ball Gazing
I wonder if other people at this stage would agree with me that the pandemic has had the unfortunate effect of making us feel somewhat disconnected, like looking through a telescope from the wrong end and perceiving retirement not so much a long way off, as approaching all too quickly? The months of working at home have been like a foretaste of retirement, obviously not in the 9-5 itself (because I’ve been working hard), but in the homely lunch-at-home, cuppa-in-front-of-the telly lunchbreaks, the dashing to put laundry in before the day starts, hang it out at coffee-time, or start a casserole in the last ten minutes of my lunchbreak. All perfectly innocuous activities, and easily fitted into breaks. But I look ahead just over a year, and realise that I’ll have to find a way of structuring my days so that I do have projects and challenges to get on with.
Not for me the hours of daytime TV, endless detective stories and traffic cops programmes. No, thanks! Being in receipt of a pension need not mean abandoning all ambition and aspiration. I want my (hopeful) semi-retirement to be the start of a brand-new beginning as a scholar, not the coda at the end of a not-exactly sparkling librarianship career. If librarianship ever sparkles very much!
I’m fortunate that I do have my research – I’m finishing the first draft of my second book, and looking forward to a visiting fellowship in the Autumn. As I wrote in my fellowship application, I want to pivot my career from this point, so that I can devote myself entirely to being a researcher, and stop being a librarian, as soon as I hit 66. And I want to be an employed researcher. I admire people who carve a career as unattached, independent scholars, but I’d prefer to be attached if at all possible!
Realistically, I will probably always be remembered as the librarian who wanted to be a scholar. At least I have the consolation of knowing that – actually – I did manage to combine the two.
Karen McAulay, Musicologist 