Competition? It’s not a Competition!

Posted on by Dr Karen E McAulay

At the end of last year, I wrote a Year-end Review, and told myself firmly that it was not for the purpose either of blowing my own trumpet, or making adverse comparisons of my own output with that of other people. I discovered that the best way was to reflect on successes, failures, and what I would do differently next time.

So, what happens? The first time I read someone’s justifiably proud summary of a few weeks’ outstanding triumphs, I creep into my little hole and bemoan the fact that I haven’t achieved half as much.

I am predominantly a Librarian (0.7 FTE)

That means I catalogue stuff, answer queries, and – at present – engage in discussions with a younger colleague so that the handover goes smoothly this summer. (It also means I’m NOT contracted to do scholarly stuff for 70% of my working hours. If I achieve less as an academic, this is the reason – it’s not disinclination or lack of application.)

  • My library line manager pointed me towards a CFP for an open-access journal, and in January, I researched, wrote, and submitted an article for it. I haven’t yet heard if it’s been accepted – it’s too soon.
  • I shall be co-delivering a workshop about the library’s holdings of music by underrepresented composers, in March. That’s something I need to plan out fully in February.

I’m also a Postdoctoral Researcher (0.3 FTE)

Bearing in mind that I have 10.5 hours a week as an academic, I am pleased with my own efforts in January. Even though I had to take annual leave, to get some more research hours:-

  • Second book revised and resubmitted – too soon to expect a response
  • Abstract submitted for September conference
  • Abstract submitted for July conference
  • BBC Scotland: Good Morning Scotland interview
  • Completed an AHRC Peer-Review
  • Delivered an Exchange Talk at RCS: ‘From Magic Lantern to Microphone: the Scottish Music Publishers and Pedagogues inspiring Hearts and Minds through Song’
HERE – TONIC SOL-FA IS MUCH PRETTIER IN COLOUR!!

And I’m an Organist

No need to summarise what I’ve done. I play, practise, schedule music and rehearse the choir.

NEILSTON PARISH CHURCH

I Compose

  • My Extinction Calypso, performed in Edinburgh last year, is set to be performed twice by a choir in a church down in Buckinghamshire in April this year. I’m ecstatic!
  • I’m just writing the finishing touches to another choral piece with an extinction theme, for an event in Edinburgh towards the end of February – Edinburgh Composers’ Choir Workshop, Sunday 25 February at 14.00

I get on with other aspects of my life

In January, I took steps to clarify my future research existence after I’ve retired from the library this summer. It has been massively stressful, actually, but I have taken steps, and look forward to further progress.

I have commitments in February which means I won’t be posting as often on this blog. However, there will be plenty of thinking time, listening time and perhaps some fiddling about on the piano and squeezeboxes later on in the month.

Positivity

Posted on by Dr Karen E McAulay

Do you generally have a positive outlook on things? How do you bring yourself back to a state of equanimity if you catch yourself being negative?

‘Negative’, me?

Actually, I suspect that sometimes what other people construe as negative, I see as merely an abundance of caution. I know that my responses of, ‘But what if ….?’ tend to be met with a sigh and cries of, ‘Oh, don’t be so NEGATIVE!’ My tendency to circle round an issue, looking for inconsistencies or identifying what could go wrong, is so often interpreted as pouring cold water on things, whereas actually, I’m intending to be constructively helpful!

Self-Inflicted ‘Injury’

But I inflict these criticisms on myself as well – when I focus on what I have not done, or not been, rather than on what I have actually achieved.

Beware the Making of Comparisons

I have not been a full-time academic in the normal interpretation of things – I’ve been an academic librarian who did a mid-career PhD part-time, in her own time, at her own expense (and subsequently qualified with a PGCert teaching certificate). I’ve engaged in plenty of research activity since then, and I’ve been seconded as a 0.3 researcher for over a decade now. But I’m not a full-time academic, and it follows that my output of publications and presentations – impressive enough for a 0.3 scholar – will never equate to what I might have done if I had been a full-time one for my entire career. Often enough, I catch myself beating myself up about what I’m NOT.

Daft, really, considering I’m qualified as a librarian, a musicologist, AND have the teaching certificate. Which isn’t a bad profile to have.

The Solution

Now, I know that it’s a good idea to challenge negative thinking, if it’s bringing you down. However, I don’t keep a happiness diary or anything similar.

But for a number of years, I’ve devised a simple trick – I have an email folder in which I keep messages recognising contributions that other people acknowledge I’ve made. Vanity? Maybe, but at least when I’m on a downward spiral, there’s somewhere I can go to give myself a kick into a more positive attitude! I got the loveliest and most unexpected email yesterday, which completely transformed my evening. Into the folder it goes. Unsolicited appreciation is such a tonic!

I also make sure my list of publications (on another page of this blog), and my institutional repository are kept up-to-date. That way, any personal mutterings about ‘I haven’t done enough’ can be challenged straight away!

Just the way we are

However, I’d like to say to anyone not quite as far along in their career as I am (I haven’t scaled any lofty heights, but I am undeniably growing older!) – we do need to find a way of bolstering our self-belief. For some of us, it’s not easy to ‘look on the bright side’ all the time. Being brutally honest about oneself might seem like false modesty to the outsider, but from the inside, it feels like being realistic. My own upbringing has memories of being compared with others whenever a school report or exam result came out; and the importance of not being boastful or blowing one’s own trumpet. Indeed, the very letters after my name have been considered ostentatious – and that was recently!

In light of all that, I don’t think it’s remotely unreasonable to devise strategies for looking on the bright side when an attack of insecurity strikes!

What do you do?