Risk-Taking, My Way

Posted on by Dr Karen E McAulay

Today was the final day of the Women and Musical Histories conference at the Royal Academy of Music.  It has been both enjoyable, and highly informative, and there was enough live music to make it feel like a real treat.  Presentations and performances alike were of a very high quality.

My presentation was in the final session, so I had two days of debating with myself as to whether I’d play that musical example.

PROS

  • It would quite possibly be the first performance since the 1940s, if not before.
  • No-one will have heard Rose’s music before
  • It’s lovely
  • It has THE most wonderful, powerful ending.

CONS

  • I once played a simple example (on home ground), made a tiny slip, and someone sniggered.
  • I’m a scholar, not ‘a performer’.
  • Dare I reveal my shortcomings within the hallowed walls of another conservatoire?

I had brought a scanned copy of Rose Smith’s last verse, as a precaution against losing it in transit.  Since I may have the only privately-owned copy, I couldn’t risk bringing it with me.  This turned out to have been a wise precaution,  because a torrential downpour rendered my scanned copy very soggy round the edges!  Nonetheless, it dried out enough that I couldn’t use the sogginess as an excuse.

I heard someone warming up for a lecture recital, and almost took fright.  Who did I think I was?!!

‘Tell the audience you were a librarian’, a friend advised me. Well, that was a better idea than confessing that I didn’t rate myself very highly.  I know better than to put an audience off by sowing seeds of doubt in their minds!

Finally, I convinced myself.  A bit like when I was deciding whether to have another go at a PhD, back in 2003, I asked myself the question that usually helps me make up my mind.

Will I regret it if I don’t do this?

I took a deep breath. ‘I used to be a librarian, not a performer’, I stated. ‘But I’m going to play you an example of Rose’s music.’

It was an absolutely fabulous piano! Quite exhilarating.

An Appropriate Coffee-cup …

Volte Face: Never Think You Can’t Change Direction

Posted on by Dr Karen E McAulay

We drove south last week. No, I drove us south. I missed one turning and mistook another. I’ll never hear the end of it, and I never want to see Pontefract again.  (It did give a certain person the opportunity to deride my own lack of any sense of direction, and proudly show off their own.)

As for me? I am so accustomed to getting it wrong that I just regard it as part of the journey. I get there in the end.  If this sounds like a metaphor for your own career path,  then read on. You’re in good company.

I found a photo last week that revealed my career has been a bit like that, too.  I’ve told my story often enough, so I’ll keep it brief today.

So Young!!
  • Aspiring to a research career, I completed a research Masters then switched topic for a PhD. First mistake.
  • Took fright at the thought of trying to become an academic, and trained as a librarian – without finishing the PhD. Second (big, big) mistake.
  • First (temporary) post in academic library.
  • 2nd post in public library (who says you can’t change sector? Anyway, I needed a permanent job) – and got Chartered.
  • 3rd post in academic library (another switch, see?). This was where I wanted to be: an academic music librarian. The closest (I imagined) I’d get to being a scholar librarian.
  • Boredom set in. I wasn’t very happy. Here’s where the LinkedIn career coaches say you should walk away. Listen, a breadwinner can’t just walk away! Hang in there. Plan, prepare.
  • Mid-career PhD done, whilst working full-time with dependents. Did folk think me crazy? Assuredly!
  • Partial research secondment.
  • Retire from library, hang onto the research – no longer a secondment but a new part-time position. Onwards and upwards.

I look at that old news clipping (why did Mum keep it? I thought she found my latter research career an embarrassment! All those letters after my name – so immodest) – and I wonder what 22-year old me would have said if she knew how my zigzag career would pan out?

  • Then, not many people did Masters’ degrees. Now, a lot of people do. 
  • Mediaeval plainsong? Completely unrelated to anything I’ve done since 1984! No use in the library.
  • Fifteenth-century English polyphony? Ditto. Although I do feel a bit guilty that I baled out before it was done.

Don’t Look Back

Admittedly, I do wonder what I’d have done if I’d finished the first PhD, and found work as an academic. But there’s absolutely no point in playing “What if?”.  We take the decisions that feel right at the time.

I wouldn’t dare to suggest that I had the model career.  I didn’t aim high enough, lacking self-confidence to a chronic degree; got stuck where I was (see above); and had one helluva struggle rectifying the  situation. Quite a ride! But I did demonstrate both flexibility and determination. I did get what I really wanted all along – eventually.

It all just goes to show that there’s more than one way to get there – if that’s where you want to go. And a few false turns aren’t the end of the road.