Dr Karen McAulay explores the history of Scottish music collecting, publishing and national identity from the 18th to 20th centuries. Research Fellow at Royal Conservatoire of Scotland, author of two Routledge monographs.
Today was the final day of the Women and Musical Histories conference at the Royal Academy of Music. It has been both enjoyable, and highly informative, and there was enough live music to make it feel like a real treat. Presentations and performances alike were of a very high quality.
My presentation was in the final session, so I had two days of debating with myself as to whether I’d play that musical example.
PROS
It would quite possibly be the first performance since the 1940s, if not before.
No-one will have heard Rose’s music before
It’s lovely
It has THE most wonderful, powerful ending.
CONS
I once played a simple example (on home ground), made a tiny slip, and someone sniggered.
I’m a scholar, not ‘a performer’.
Dare I reveal my shortcomings within the hallowed walls of another conservatoire?
I had brought a scanned copy of Rose Smith’s last verse, as a precaution against losing it in transit. Since I may have the only privately-owned copy, I couldn’t risk bringing it with me. This turned out to have been a wise precaution, because a torrential downpour rendered my scanned copy very soggy round the edges! Nonetheless, it dried out enough that I couldn’t use the sogginess as an excuse.
I heard someone warming up for a lecture recital, and almost took fright. Who did I think I was?!!
‘Tell the audience you were a librarian’, a friend advised me. Well, that was a better idea than confessing that I didn’t rate myself very highly. I know better than to put an audience off by sowing seeds of doubt in their minds!
Finally, I convinced myself. A bit like when I was deciding whether to have another go at a PhD, back in 2003, I asked myself the question that usually helps me make up my mind.
Will I regret it if I don’t do this?
I took a deep breath. ‘I used to be a librarian, not a performer’, I stated. ‘But I’m going to play you an example of Rose’s music.’
It was an absolutely fabulous piano! Quite exhilarating.
I wrote my research retrospective. Published it, then (as I always do) thought of a bit more I wanted to add this morning. This is what I added:-
It was crazy to start another qualification in another discipline before finishing the [first attempt at a] doctorate. In my own defence, I wanted an occupational pension plan. And everyone (male – I hardly knew any women academics) said it was hard to get a job in academia. In the early eighties. (Aw, bless! How could it have been harder than it is today?)
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And then I went for a shower, and it was there (unsurprisingly) that I had my lightbulb moment. What had I just written? “I hardly knew any women academics.”
When I was an undergraduate in Durham (1976-79), there was only one woman lecturer, a doctoral candidate in composition. I believe she went to join the BBC – so, that would have been a move out of academia.
Off I went to Exeter for my first attempt at a doctorate. (As I explained in the last blogpost, I didn’t finish that attempt because I changed direction too soon. In fact, I wrote up a Master’s thesis and changed topic for my PhD, which is why I ran out of funded time, resulting in my second change of direction to librarianship, before I had actually written my thesis.) Were there any women academics in the music department at Exeter? I don’t recall any. I was the only female doctoral candidate. (1979-1982). I couldn’t imagine myself in front of a class of undergraduates, and was offered no teaching opportunities, though I can’t say whether I was giving off “Don’t you dare ask me” vibes at the time! I don’t know if any of the guys got teaching opportunities – I suspect not, to be honest. Another missed opportunity to try out the role, in any case.
Then, people were saying that it was virtually impossible to get an academic post in a British university in any case. My guess it that it was easier than it is today! But who were the ‘people’ who were saying? Male people, in all probability. I didn’t know that many women doctoral candidates, apart from those I shared accomodation with, who were in different disciplines. We didn’t talk about our research.
I listened to ‘people’ and decided that actually, the librarianship idea wasn’t such a bad idea after all. I could still be scholarly, but not be a lecturer, and that sounded fine. In fact, even at CLW (College of Librarianship Wales) for my postgraduate diploma, I don’t remember there being many female lecturers, though there may have been one or two. I’m surprised that this has only just dawned on me. I had been to a girls’ school where the majority of teachers were women, and now here I was in yet another higher education institution, where there were barely any women lecturing at all! Where were my women role models? Conspicuous by their absence!
So here I am. I did get a PhD eventually. I understand that when I wanted to study for that second attempt at a doctorate, someone in my present institution was heard to declare, “What does a librarian want with a PhD anyway?” Well, I funded myself and studied in my spare time, and I like to think I’ve proved the answer to that, at any rate. I have published quite a bit, and I have done some lecturing, on a small scale – spasmodically. I could have done more of it, given different circumstances – of course I could. But I could definitely have done with a push in the right direction when I was in my 20s.
So what is the point of this diatribe? Girls need role-models, and they need encouragement. Despite my early 1970s education in a ‘girls can do anything’ environment, this didn’t carry through to higher education. I had the same educational opportunities, but I definitely could have done with a nudge to fulfil my potential. To tell me that I could, when I didn’t believe myself. And I wish there had been role models to act as mentors.
I’m here where I am, approaching retirement as a librarian. Not next year or the year after, but it’s approaching. What can we do to help the next generation of girls get their equal share of self-belief and opportunities? Because nothing else will do!
Karen McAulay, Musicologist 